As a thick fog stealthily descended to the rough and brutal waters of the stubborn ocean, a small and eloquent ship was awoken by their committed Captain and was informed of a long struggle to navigate the ship in the adverse conditions combined with the chilling gloom of the threatening night. Hour after fearsome hour, the JaquelinRose™ rocked and swayed, back and forth, crippling the worried crew with a trembling apprehension of immediate harm. For what seemed an eternity, they fought with every last ounce of strength they could muster. Suddenly it was dawn. The sea became calm and the fog gradually lifted. However, what lay before them was a sight so terrifying that they would soon wish they were once again contending with the vicious storm, feeling safe under the refuge of the black of the night...
--
I am compelled to give you – my dear readers – a little background knowledge to this frightening scene before we proceed any further with this no doubt gripping and adventurous tale. Compelled for two reasons:
1. It will help you understand the story a little better
2. I am, at this point in time, a little short on ideas for this story, and this will fill up some much needed space
The JaquelinRose was perhaps the world’s most sought after ship many centuries ago. From a distance, one could gauge that it was very small, but anyone who had seen it up close knew that it was a sight to behold. Constructed carefully with the finest timber available at the time; panels intricately interweaving to form a water tight bond; and stunning patterns laboriously crafted by untold hours of determined concentration and precise skill, the JaquelinRose was the closest real-life example of perfection you could find. Of course, such a stunning vessel required only the best of the best when it came to crew selection for its maiden voyage. And it is the members of that crew whom to you I will now describe.
Captain Mitch ‘Chillogy’ Chillogy was perhaps the finest Captain to ever grace the shores of wherever it was the JaquelinRose was created. With two solid weeks of sailor’s school behind him as well as a half-day Captain’s course, he was by far the most qualified person in town to be left in charge of the effervescent JaquelinRose. This wasn’t his only claim to fame. He also appeared on Master Chef, hoping to escape the tedium of the first week of Sailor College, telling the show whilst trying to hold back tears, “I just felt like I was stuck in a rut, and felt it was time for a change. Cooking has been my passion for the last four days now, and I really hope I can win so that I can spend the rest of my life in a highly stressful, low paying career where I am judged solely on my failures, and my successes go largely unnoticed.” He was eliminated in the second week, and resumed his final gruelling week of College after a six month recuperation period.
Chillogy’s crew were perhaps a little more focussed on the life direction in which they wanted to pursue. Seven of the town’s strongest and brightest men and women sacrificed various professions in Law, Medicine and Finance to sail the high seas with Chillogy, as that’s the kind of people they were. They would do anything for the town’s most respected citizen, even if it meant sacrificing life-long financial security, marital stability and familial togetherness.
--
And so the crew of seven plus their Captain (plus their cat, Drew) found themselves in a precariously dire situation. Before them was something so sinister, and so feared, that many believed it only to be a legend. Precisely what it is cannot be revealed until the next instalment (so stay tuned), but I wouldn’t be surprised if Chillogy and his crew are shitting bricks at the moment. I know I would...
Showing posts with label Jacky. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jacky. Show all posts
Wednesday, 20 May 2009
Thursday, 30 April 2009
A History of JaquelinRose - Pt. 3 (FINAL!!!)
Standing imposingly in Jacky's unworthy doorway was the legend himself. Some doubted his very existence, but Jaquelinrose always knew in her heart that the stories were true. Disturbed genius Mill; inventor of the wind change theory and sliced bread was just centimetres from being inside her house, and she hadn't even asked him inside yet... Jacky felt a little foolish about this, because she did not want to keep Mill waiting, but she had a few burning questions of him that she just could not suppress.
"Mill! I can't believe it's really you!" Jacky exclaimed loudly.
"Well, believe it Jacky!" he replied.
"Why are you here?"
"Oh, ok then. No 'ohai Mill, it’s soooo good to see you!' Whatever..."
"-.-"
"Alright then... Well, do you remember that scandalous Wikipedia Scare of '06?"
"I remember it like it was yesterday..."
"Well, I believe that the source of the commotion has something to do with your Mac!"
Jacky's heart sank to a depth she did not know existed. Standing before her was the man himself; the legend, and he had only come to visit her because she was probably to blame for one of the cyber world's biggest disasters...
--
Of course, none of you are likely to know about the Great Wikipedia Scare of '06, so I must take this opportunity to 'fill the gaps' in your knowledge, so to speak.
The year was 2003, a good 5 years before Jacky became a well-known online celebrity. Guys, these were not good days. The skies were always grey, the air was seemingly polluted beyond repair and as a result, young Jacky developed asthma. As such, it was impractical for Jacky to enjoy her 'prime' years outdoors, having fun with the other boys and girls her age, and she thus began to occupy herself with a thing called the interweb.
[I would also like to take the opportunity to assure you that unlike my normal stories, this one will have a happy ending, even if you can't see it coming yet]
Anyway, on this so-called 'interweb', Jacky discovered a treasure-trove of information on a little family website called 'Wikipedia'. As the years passed by, Jacky helped build the site into the world's most popular (and simultaneously most unpopular) online encyclopaedia/search engine/news source/rumour spreader/media mogul.
At the same time this was happening, a slightly larger corporation named McDonalds was feeling a tad insecure and attempted to copyright every word in the English, French, German and Sudanese dictionaries. America being America, the Courts agreed to this drastic move with just one exception. The Judge could not agree to their exclusive ownership of the word 'the', which McDonalds proposed to charge regular citizens USD2.95 (currently AUD104.50 and NZD8756.20 [I can't fit Zimbabwe's figure here]) for every time they uttered or wrote the word. School children were exempt from this charge, with McDonalds creating a special 'student' price for educational use only - USD2.94. As the trial Judge stated in his judgment, "It is utterly absurd to suggest that this sort of policy could be policed 24-7, and I must therefore reject the motion that McDonalds own the word 'the'. I will however allow their ownership of the common misspelling of the word in the form of 'teh' as a form of deterrence for those with the inclination to spell poorly." Of course, it is absolutely absurd to suggest that an American could be this coherent; he was originally British.
On appeal, this allowance of frenetic copyrighting was overturned (by a Canadian born Judge), with the glaring exception of the misspelling of the word 'the' in the form of 'teh'. Rumours claim that by the time the Judge got around to it (it was the last inclusion on the list), he was so drunk (remembering he was Canadian) that he forgot to strike it from the list. Critics of this rumour remind rumour spreaders that the judgment was handed down at 11am, but critics must also remember that the Judge was Canadian.
So as the year of 2006 progressed, McDonalds took every opportunity they were afforded to 'fine' those unfortunate enough to misspell 'the' as 'teh'. One of these victims happened to be (on multiple occasions - like a billion times) Wikipedia...
--
"Give me a look at your Word program please Jacky" Mill asked rather impolitely.
"Sure" Jacky replied sheepishly.
You see, Jacky was rather proud of her Mac. Only the good Lord knows why, but she had a certain affinity with it that she couldn't explain to the others, whom she regarded as 'outsiders'. Certainly, those outsiders couldn't understand how such a lively young woman could develop such a deep kinship with a computer (Jacky secretly seethed at the calling of her Mac a mere 'computer').
"There's your problem" Mill announced suddenly.
"What is it?" Jacky enquired rather stereotypically for someone who wanted to know what the announced, but unrevealed problem was.
"You write your articles in Word before you submit them to Wikipedia, right?"
"Yes, it makes sure I don't make as many errors"
"Well, somehow Cam the Microsoft Word paperclip likes to change 'the' to 'teh' when you're not looking."
"Why does it do that"
"It is a Mac..."
And so the mystery of the Great Wikipedia Scare of '06 was solved, and Wikipedia enjoyed that happy ending you were promised by not owing $42.7 billion to McDonalds. However, according to America's judicial system, someone had to pay, and that was Jacky. Fortunately for her, disturbed genius Mill was also disturbingly rich and footed the bill for her (including the obligatory 10% tip). And you want to know the really happy part about this ending? Mill even helped her assemble her new bicycle.
~Fin~
"Mill! I can't believe it's really you!" Jacky exclaimed loudly.
"Well, believe it Jacky!" he replied.
"Why are you here?"
"Oh, ok then. No 'ohai Mill, it’s soooo good to see you!' Whatever..."
"-.-"
"Alright then... Well, do you remember that scandalous Wikipedia Scare of '06?"
"I remember it like it was yesterday..."
"Well, I believe that the source of the commotion has something to do with your Mac!"
Jacky's heart sank to a depth she did not know existed. Standing before her was the man himself; the legend, and he had only come to visit her because she was probably to blame for one of the cyber world's biggest disasters...
--
Of course, none of you are likely to know about the Great Wikipedia Scare of '06, so I must take this opportunity to 'fill the gaps' in your knowledge, so to speak.
The year was 2003, a good 5 years before Jacky became a well-known online celebrity. Guys, these were not good days. The skies were always grey, the air was seemingly polluted beyond repair and as a result, young Jacky developed asthma. As such, it was impractical for Jacky to enjoy her 'prime' years outdoors, having fun with the other boys and girls her age, and she thus began to occupy herself with a thing called the interweb.
[I would also like to take the opportunity to assure you that unlike my normal stories, this one will have a happy ending, even if you can't see it coming yet]
Anyway, on this so-called 'interweb', Jacky discovered a treasure-trove of information on a little family website called 'Wikipedia'. As the years passed by, Jacky helped build the site into the world's most popular (and simultaneously most unpopular) online encyclopaedia/search engine/news source/rumour spreader/media mogul.
At the same time this was happening, a slightly larger corporation named McDonalds was feeling a tad insecure and attempted to copyright every word in the English, French, German and Sudanese dictionaries. America being America, the Courts agreed to this drastic move with just one exception. The Judge could not agree to their exclusive ownership of the word 'the', which McDonalds proposed to charge regular citizens USD2.95 (currently AUD104.50 and NZD8756.20 [I can't fit Zimbabwe's figure here]) for every time they uttered or wrote the word. School children were exempt from this charge, with McDonalds creating a special 'student' price for educational use only - USD2.94. As the trial Judge stated in his judgment, "It is utterly absurd to suggest that this sort of policy could be policed 24-7, and I must therefore reject the motion that McDonalds own the word 'the'. I will however allow their ownership of the common misspelling of the word in the form of 'teh' as a form of deterrence for those with the inclination to spell poorly." Of course, it is absolutely absurd to suggest that an American could be this coherent; he was originally British.
On appeal, this allowance of frenetic copyrighting was overturned (by a Canadian born Judge), with the glaring exception of the misspelling of the word 'the' in the form of 'teh'. Rumours claim that by the time the Judge got around to it (it was the last inclusion on the list), he was so drunk (remembering he was Canadian) that he forgot to strike it from the list. Critics of this rumour remind rumour spreaders that the judgment was handed down at 11am, but critics must also remember that the Judge was Canadian.
So as the year of 2006 progressed, McDonalds took every opportunity they were afforded to 'fine' those unfortunate enough to misspell 'the' as 'teh'. One of these victims happened to be (on multiple occasions - like a billion times) Wikipedia...
--
"Give me a look at your Word program please Jacky" Mill asked rather impolitely.
"Sure" Jacky replied sheepishly.
You see, Jacky was rather proud of her Mac. Only the good Lord knows why, but she had a certain affinity with it that she couldn't explain to the others, whom she regarded as 'outsiders'. Certainly, those outsiders couldn't understand how such a lively young woman could develop such a deep kinship with a computer (Jacky secretly seethed at the calling of her Mac a mere 'computer').
"There's your problem" Mill announced suddenly.
"What is it?" Jacky enquired rather stereotypically for someone who wanted to know what the announced, but unrevealed problem was.
"You write your articles in Word before you submit them to Wikipedia, right?"
"Yes, it makes sure I don't make as many errors"
"Well, somehow Cam the Microsoft Word paperclip likes to change 'the' to 'teh' when you're not looking."
"Why does it do that"
"It is a Mac..."
And so the mystery of the Great Wikipedia Scare of '06 was solved, and Wikipedia enjoyed that happy ending you were promised by not owing $42.7 billion to McDonalds. However, according to America's judicial system, someone had to pay, and that was Jacky. Fortunately for her, disturbed genius Mill was also disturbingly rich and footed the bill for her (including the obligatory 10% tip). And you want to know the really happy part about this ending? Mill even helped her assemble her new bicycle.
~Fin~
Monday, 13 April 2009
A History of JaquelinRose - Pt. 1
A dark, wind-swept figure filled the sky swiftly and without warning. Its ominous aura imposed itself immediately on a small city cowering with fear as they simultaneously ducked for the nearest cover they could find. One girl dared to be different however. She was already inside. Even during what was not long before a glorious, sunny day, with a crisp, yet delicate autumn breeze, JaquelinRose dared to stay indoors. You see, Jaquelin had a rather unique problem (although I myself call it an addiction). She was addicted to Wikipedia.
As the rain bucketed down on a city in quick retreat with a relentless and uncompromising force, Jacky took no notice of the commotion that was occurring outside. She had just found the page dedicated to one of Reno's four brain cells (yes, a specific one), when suddenly the page stopped loading. Fearing the worst, she checked her connection status, and signed into MSN, Gmail and DBD at the same time just to make sure her computer was right in telling her that the rain had not affected her ability to surf the web. They all signed in almost immediately, yet Wikipedia continued to stall. Deciding that she'd have to take a gamble, Jacky hesitated as the mouse hovered over the refresh button. Was it worth it? She decided it was and took the plunge...
---
Thankfully, the page loaded this time, but what she found disappointed her greatly. Wikipedia had removed the page, as it wasn't considered to be 'noteworthy', or 'of importance'. Jacky begged to differ, as she found it incredibly fascinating that Reno had even one brain cell, let alone four. However, she decided against contesting the decision, and continued mindlessly strolling through the cyber labyrinth otherwise known as Wikipedia.
Undeterred and continuing on her endless, and ultimately pointless endeavour, she came across the page dedicated to Kevin Rudd's pompous smirk. She wondered how this was allowed to remain on the site while Reno's poor remaining brain cells withered into oblivion, however read on, mildly intrigued by the topic. For example, she was interested to know that he first smirked on a gusty August day, when the wind suddenly changed, and he was thus stuck with the unsavoury expression for all eternity times infinity, as stipulated by disturbed genius Mill, and further reinforced by old wives tales.
Clicking on Mill's link to see the stunning photo of him that some extremely thoughtful member of the Wikipedia community had so graciously uploaded, Jacky was immediately taken aback by a new link she didn't recognise as belonging to Mill's page. She liked to keep a constant eye on his page, editing it back to its former, pristine condition in the rare case of it being taken over by jealous vandals. However, this wasn't the work of vandals. This eerie link made even Jacky - Wikipedia Expert Level 564165156181 - surprised at the content that Wikipedia may sometimes contain. Slowly, she drew her mouse to the mysterious link, and clicked on it, almost fainting in shock at what she saw...
As the rain bucketed down on a city in quick retreat with a relentless and uncompromising force, Jacky took no notice of the commotion that was occurring outside. She had just found the page dedicated to one of Reno's four brain cells (yes, a specific one), when suddenly the page stopped loading. Fearing the worst, she checked her connection status, and signed into MSN, Gmail and DBD at the same time just to make sure her computer was right in telling her that the rain had not affected her ability to surf the web. They all signed in almost immediately, yet Wikipedia continued to stall. Deciding that she'd have to take a gamble, Jacky hesitated as the mouse hovered over the refresh button. Was it worth it? She decided it was and took the plunge...
---
Thankfully, the page loaded this time, but what she found disappointed her greatly. Wikipedia had removed the page, as it wasn't considered to be 'noteworthy', or 'of importance'. Jacky begged to differ, as she found it incredibly fascinating that Reno had even one brain cell, let alone four. However, she decided against contesting the decision, and continued mindlessly strolling through the cyber labyrinth otherwise known as Wikipedia.
Undeterred and continuing on her endless, and ultimately pointless endeavour, she came across the page dedicated to Kevin Rudd's pompous smirk. She wondered how this was allowed to remain on the site while Reno's poor remaining brain cells withered into oblivion, however read on, mildly intrigued by the topic. For example, she was interested to know that he first smirked on a gusty August day, when the wind suddenly changed, and he was thus stuck with the unsavoury expression for all eternity times infinity, as stipulated by disturbed genius Mill, and further reinforced by old wives tales.
Clicking on Mill's link to see the stunning photo of him that some extremely thoughtful member of the Wikipedia community had so graciously uploaded, Jacky was immediately taken aback by a new link she didn't recognise as belonging to Mill's page. She liked to keep a constant eye on his page, editing it back to its former, pristine condition in the rare case of it being taken over by jealous vandals. However, this wasn't the work of vandals. This eerie link made even Jacky - Wikipedia Expert Level 564165156181 - surprised at the content that Wikipedia may sometimes contain. Slowly, she drew her mouse to the mysterious link, and clicked on it, almost fainting in shock at what she saw...
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